As a youth I was easily considered “smart”, “gifted” even. I was a top scorer in most of my classes from elementary school to high school, I was never number one, but I was up there. I’m not sure what happened unfortunately.
REALITY CHECK TIME: I definitely tend to be self-deprecating and compare a lot; but by no means am I stupid.
I do think a large reason for why my academic and overall mental prowess has decreased is most definitely due to the onset and/or worsening of mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. but that could probably be a whole other post itself. In high school, I began to say that my brain cells were dying in numbers each year to hide my feelings of inadequacy under self-deprecating awareness. Now in college and surrounded by people that seem so much SMARTER and more capable that myself, what am I to do? I feel as if I can never catch up. Maybe it’s because I don’t read as much anymore. Maybe it’s all in my mindset; I view myself by what I think others might think about me (usually the worst way possible) i.e. since I don’t know this thing- but they do, they must think I’m dumb so I must be dumb.
I’m at the point in my journey where using competitiveness against others doesn’t help because most of the time it fails (in my experience). Really the only person I can compete against is myself.
My GPA at the end of this semester was apparently the highest it’s been during college and that is amazing! It has reinvigorated my enthusiasm for learning, but I feel like it’s not enough. I know it’s my ego talking but I think why do I have friends on the dean’s list when I feel that I work harder. Why is my best effort not good enough? I live for validation but never seem to get it.